I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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if a cop pulls u over play dead
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti