Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
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[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone