I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it