And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap