@TheRolo: And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like "Naw, I'll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!"
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@serialmatrix: How school works: In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.
@GayAtHomeDad: When your kid makes a funny face, say they will stick that way, then show them the thousands of girls with duck lips on Instagram.
@juliussharpe: For $100,000 I will come into your organization and evaluate whether the other consultants you're working with are idiots.
@Donnie_Fairburn: That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn't as funny when you do it by yourself