And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
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*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Yes, this is exactly right
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?