And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
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*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Wait a second…
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.