@Reverend_Scott: And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, "Oh man, you're not gonna believe this."
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@SteveSuckington: Her: "Add insult to injury why don't you" Me: "Your broken leg looks fat in that cast"
@thesulk: When I call 911, I'm gonna do a Sean Connery impersonation to briefly amuse the jurors at my trial.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
@iamspacegirl: "Makin all the ladies drop they panties" I brag, pulling the fire alarm at Victoria's Secret.