me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.