ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth