… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
You Might Also Like
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Rather alarming headline…
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.