… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time