And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*