*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
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oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
What about second breakfast?
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
What even happened today?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.