@themorris23: And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no "non creepy" way to ask where the Vaseline is.
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@jonnysun: [at a fancy restuarant] WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip ME: ok [writing on bill] "only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg"
@CherBear162: I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
@chimneyspotter: *opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]