No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
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Mornin
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…