“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.