women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
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Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.