And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!