And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?