ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people