Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
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My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Mornin
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
My dad is at it again
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”