@samalmightysam: And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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@mauleePillar: Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them.
@david8hughes: Dr: it looks like you've contracted sumatta Me: what is that? Dr: what is what? Me: sumatta Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
@dave_cactus: ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident. HER: Were you hurt? [flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard] ME: So hurt.
@senorwinces: If you watch Intervention backwards, it's about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.