And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100