@topaz_kell: And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
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@JessObsess: ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: I signed you both up for Tinder *1 week later ME: You still want a divorce? THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
@markedly: My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he's grounded.
@relatabledad: "hey is that a banana in your pock--" *his pants open* *a banana steps out* *it walks towards you* *it hugs you* "u have freed me. thank u
@MamanyaDana: That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit