During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
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Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing