♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.