….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??