@BonaFideIntent: ....and that's how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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@Reverend_Scott: If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo? Me: Never Him: You're afraid to make a permanent mistake. Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.