….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Kids: Stay in school.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
i wish i could marry a nap
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT