And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.