No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Wikigenius
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey