And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger