“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
i choose….tongue