@JohnLyonTweets: And the cat's in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer's, this is a terrible mix-up.
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@slimmy_shady: Honest ads - 'Hot singles in your area want to be just friends'. 'Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother'.
@HelsNotAllowed: My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.
@MikeCanRant: *watches as both hands turn into devils* *looks over sink* HAND SATANIZER "Oh, this is just great"
@EndhooS: Scientist: we've finally taught a dog Morse Code Dog: [taps paw] Me: what did it say? Scientist: "woof"