And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
You Might Also Like
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.