Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
it must be school picture day
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.