@Mulva74: And the he told me he was kilt shopping.
So, apparently I'm married to Braveheart.
@dave_cactus: [at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!
MANAGER: Okay, SIR...
@InternetHippo: I hate the future
@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven]
God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music?
G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
@ShesARealGenius: "I hate when I can't think of the right word," she protesticulated.
@prodigalsam: "I wish I had more time to read" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.