Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*exercises sarcastically*
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on