Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.