“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.