My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.