And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
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Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?