First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
You Might Also Like
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.