Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
#damn
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat