And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Coffee for people with no kids
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose