And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?