Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!