And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
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It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[canadians at you, canadianly]