And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat