And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.