@MomOnFire: And then I heard my mother's voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, "Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!"
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@joejwest: COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?
@BlindChow: [performance review] boss: from now on you're getting supervision me: yes!! boss: wait, that doesn't mean– me: *already smashing my glasses*
@Brampersandon_: COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must've been a fun weekend haha ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
@cjwerleman: Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.