And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
fr
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy