*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
your elf on the shelf was delicious
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Found the job I’m suited for
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.