And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks