@Love_bug1016: And then Satan said, "save time ~ respond to her text with a K."
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@ElgatoEsmio: [holding an acorn] “do you still love me?” Wife yells outside- "that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!” "Shaddup you!"
@River_Niles: A white American told me I shouldn't call myself "British" because brown people aren't native to Britain. A white American White. American.
@krisv_723: Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body. Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.