And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
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I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!